Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Art Stuffs... How Do I Even?

I love doing arty shit for various reasons, but sometimes it's hard to be motivated. I want it to be something more than just this thing that I do sometimes, but it's usually really hard to tell if I'm actually making any progress or moving forward in the way that I want to be, and then I just sort of feel like I'm stuck in this rut and not achieving anything and it's really sort of depressing and makes me feel like shit.

So sometimes I take breaks, because I need to, and then I feel bad about taking breaks because it's not like I was working super hard to start with and deserve some time off or anything, even though my brain obviously needed to focus on something else for a while. It's a pretty horrible cycle, and it goes like this:
So on and so forth... for the rest of my life, probably. 

I guess I'm just kind of impatient with this sort of stuff because I don't see instant visible results, or get the sort of gratification or appreciation that one would hope for in such an 'industry', if that's what you want to call it. It probably doesn't help that I have such a fucking vast array of interests, and refuse to pick just one or two. I watch and read a lot about turning your craft into your business, and how to make moneys doing stuff you love, and all that shit, and one of the main things they always tell you is to stick with one thing. One thing.

People get confused when you do too many things, and they don't know what to think. Maybe they like some of your things, but not your other things, and then they get stuck on those things that they don't like, and that puts them off the things that they do like, and then their brain is just like "What the fuck is even going on in this persons head, because there is just too much shit and none of it is coherent, or relevant, and there is no constant theme or technique or medium like most artists are usually recognised by. Is this person even an artist, or are they just fucking insane?"

It's also really hard to explain what you do when you basically do anything and everything that you want to do, when you want to do it. Sometimes I want to draw cute little pictures of retarded robots and write a children's book, sometimes I want to try and make sexy and fancy as hell clothing and lingerie, and sometimes I just like to paint people bleeding out of every orifice on top of a burning house, while a pig vomits in the foreground. I haven't actually done that last one, but now I want to, because it sounds kind of awesome.

Do you see my problem here? I just came up with something completely retarded because I was trying to make a point, but now I've had the thought, and it is in my head, and now I feel like I need to create it, and this happens all the time. Except, that I either forget about it, and get annoyed about wasting an idea, or I write it down, or start making it even, and then I get distracted by another different idea and the same thing happens again, and next thing my entire house is full of these things, just sitting around, doing nothing, and taking up a LOT of space, but I can't get rid of them, because I still want to finish them.

But back to the point about sticking to one thing. It's easier if you just do one thing. You can concentrate more, get better at that one thing, maybe even get totally awesome at that one thing, learn how to market it, who is interested in it, how to write about it, and have an actually fucking answer when someone asks what kind of art you do. But I can't just do one thing. I can't even do just two things. Because if I chose something to concentrate on, there would be so many things that I would then be neglecting. So many things that I enjoy and want to do, and want to have be a part of my thing.

I want to be known for these things too. I don't want to just pick something to try and turn into a business, and then do the rest on the side as a hobby, because businesses are fucking hard work, and I don't even know if I would have time to do those other things on the side. Not to mention the pretty much impossible task of choosing which thing would be the best to try and make money from, and then the very real possibility of putting in all that work, maybe actually getting somewhere with it, and then deciding that I should have chosen something else.

I need to combine as many of these things as I can into my business, because I already have other things that I want to do in that free time. Circus, reading, playing video games, going to the gym, gardening, trying to learn BJJ so I can choke bitches, and pretty much everything else that is fun. It would also be nice to spend some of that time with my boyfriend, and my family, and my friends, and there's just not enough hours in the day, but I still waste the majority of them thinking about this stuff, or distracting myself from this stuff, because I just don't know what to do.