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Friday, 5 April 2013

God Fucks Bitches

Just now I was having a shower testing out my new free sample of shampoo and for some reason I kept thinking about little excerpts from the new testament and shet. I kind of want to make a little series of short film things of how I think of those stories in my head. A modern reimagining, I guess? They will most likely be in no way accurate to the bible but they are totally plausible. There's two sides to every story. I imagine these stories came from people fluffing shit up and exaggerating to avoid looking bad or whatever, and I'm just trying to tell you what really happened, but not 25,151,242,145,215,411,545,142,456,154,131 years ago.

Numero uno: There is this big beefy black guy that lives in town. He gets ALL the bitches ALL the time. Mary is a newly wed but her husband is either a total fag or super mega mad ultimate shy and won't have sex with her. She's pretty pissed about it and tries various ways to entice him but nothing works so she goes and drinks her sorrows away at the bar. She notices this big black guy that seems to have a constant supply of ladies falling off of him. She gets more and more intrigued each time she sees him and eventually she is just like I NEED TO GET LAID SO BAD RIGHT NOW and they go get fucked up on drugs and she has sex with him. Later she finds out she is preggers and freaks out, but her husband is super religious so she decides to make up this bullshit story about her still being a virgin and how it must be a magical jesus baby. Surely he wouldn't question the power of his lord. He is in mega denial and makes himself believe it and they tell everyone that it's his kid to protect both her slumming and his gayness. The kid has some issues. They aren't good parents.

Project B: There is this kid who has lived with his grandparents for most of his life. His parents were dicks and didn't want him so they parented him instead. His pop probably died when he was relatively young, like 10 or some shit, and he doesn't really have any friends at school because, let's face it, he's pretty weird. So he is super close with his grandma and they do everything together and they are like bffs, nah mean? But on his 21st he has a big party and everyone gets shitfaced. Especially grandma. She's probably like 85 or something by now. And she tries to do some crazy badass stunt, like grandmas do, and ends up axing herself and like snapping a hip or whatever happens to old people. She has like a super bad hangover the next day and can hardly move because she is so old and basically used up all her remaining lifes energy in that one crazy awesome night. She ends up in hospital for a while and the kid visits her all the time but she doesnt get any better and it becomes apparent that she's probably going to die pretty soon. The kid is stressing hardcore because she is like the only person he has left in the world apart from some shitty ass friends that only hang out with him when he is having a booze-up. One day he goes to visit her and she is all like saying goodbye and shit gets pretty emotional for them and then she's like "Hey whatshisface, remember that time when I tried to do a backflip off the roof into the punch bowl? That was pretty awesome." or something along those lines. And then she dies. Kid is all traumatized to teh maximus prime like Bella when Edwardio leaves her to cry herself to death in a forest. He tries to OD on pills or something but fails and ends up just having a pretty intense trip and he sees her and they hang out and get drunk and shit and then shes like "brb bro, I'm gonna go get some more booze" and he's like "Grandma, you're too drunk to drive" and she's like "nah it's okay, I've got some in the boot" and she goes down to get it but she never comes back and he just waits and waits for several days just sitting there wasting away and sitting in his own shit and piss and then some people come and take him away to the mental asylum. He's just in there still waiting for her to come back with more booze and constantly yelling out to everyone. "SHE'S COMING BACK GUYS! SHE'LL BE BACK! SHE JUST HAD TO GO GET SOME MORE BOOZE! SHE'LL BE BACK!" And so on and so forth forever into darkness. And thus went the legend of Grandma's third coming.

I don't know what the other one is yet. I actually only had pretty vague ideas of these when I started writing this post and then made the rest up as I went. Felt like it was pretty good when I was writing it but I don't want to go back and read it now because it's probably stoopid. If I do go back and read it and I like it though, I totally just spewed my entire ideas onto the internets anus, but it's okay because nobody reads this blog so there's nobody to take my ideas and make them reality in a much better way than I ever could. OR IS THERE?!... No. Probably not. I hope. Or if you're a big moviemaker badass who is rich and famous, I might let you give me lots of moneys and all my deserved credit and you can go and make them with your high tech gear and massive slave labour teams so that people will think you are cool. There is no possibility that anyone could ever not want to buy my scripts for big bucks. MY WRITING SKILLS ARE SUPREME, OMNIPOTENT AND TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS! MY BLOOD IS MOTIVATED BY NINJA SPIRIT!

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